Establishing a Healthy Relationship

Now that you have read the title (I assume...), think about it as you are reading. If you do you will be able to analyze, and perhaps recognize ways you can improve your own relationships. So let's dive in!

The R.a.m Plan:



What is The R.a.m Plan? Above here you see one of the best tools to determine how you are doing in your relationship. Each column signifies your level of bonding in that specific area. There is one rule to this image above: "Never go further in one bonding area than you have gone in the previous."

Why would this be a rule? Well say you fully commit to someone before you really know them; this will put a person in a dangerous position. There are many examples that can show the problems that come when these 5 bonding areas get out of balance.

John Vann Epp stated, "The balance of all five bonding dynamics determines the healthiness of your relationship and the clarity of your perspective on your partner." Having this balance will assist you in choosing your future spouse wisely. I feel that if this was understood and applied many people would avoid much heartache, and pain caused from getting out of balance in one or more areas above.

My eyes have been opened  to the wisdom of the RAM plan. Lets consider someone who does the RAM plan backwards. I will make up a scenario. Bob went on a date with Susie. Bob and Susie kiss on the first date (touch). This of course was exciting because Susie was attracted to Bob, and thought he was cool. She felt that she was committed to him now that they kissed. They go on a second date, and kiss again. While Susie feels that there is a commitment Bob perhaps feels there is not commitment. Over time Susie sees that Bob is treating her badly, but it is difficult to leave the relationship because they are physically attached. It becomes a very unhealthy relationship based on the physical. There are other instances where we could say that a person commits to, and is physically involved with another person when they do not even know the other individual, this can be dangerous and could even lead to physical abuse.

It is interesting how "touch" is the last lever, and knowing the person is the first. If we are to keep our minds clear enough to really get to know a person we need to limit the physical touch. Anyone who has been in a relationship and has kissed, held hands etc. knows that you literally become dumber, and cannot think as clearly. When we learn to control our physical appetites we will be able to make wiser decisions that we will not regret later.

I love this statement, "You must keep an equal involvement of your heart and mind. A healthy premarital relationship and a choice of a partner you won't regret require input from both the head and the heart...Healthy love is not blind, because the heart and mind are in sync with each other."

Elder Bednar said, "Love increases through righteous restraint and decreases through impulsive indulgence." This can reveal someone's character. When we learn to control ourselves and "bridle our passions" it shows that we truly love someone. My Father was giving me dating counsel and said, "Shayla a good man will do whatever it takes to protect a girls virtue. This goes for woman also.

The first lever is knowing, why is it so important to know someone? I think Elder Holland makes a good point here, "There are many qualities you will want to look for in a friend or a serious date-to day nothing of a spouse and eternal companion-but surely among the first and most basic of those qualities will be those of care and sensitivity toward others, minimum of self-centeredness that allows compassion and courtesy to be evident. There are lots of limitations in all of us that we hope our sweethearts will overlook, I suppose no one is as handsome or as beautiful as he or she wishes, or as brilliant in school or as witty in speech or as wealthy as we would like, but in a world of varied talents and fortunes that we can't always command, I think that makes even more attractive the qualities we can command-such qualities as thoughtfulness, patience, a kind word, and true delight in the accomplishment of another. These cost us nothing, and they can mean everything to the one who receives them."

I have known people who have become more attractive in my eyes because of who they are, and how they treat others. These qualities are lasting even into the eternities.

We are God's children, and as his children we can be self-disciplined in order to establish healthy relationships. I know that the Lord wants us to make wise choices, and when we choose to slowly pace our relationships we will be better able to make wise, and informed decisions. As we do these things we will develop a deeper and longer lasting love for the person of our choice.

 I'll end with this , "Do you want capability, safety, and security in dating and romance, in married life and eternity? Be a true disciple of Jesus. Be a genuine, committed, word-and-deed Latter-day Saint. Believe that your faith has everything to do with your romance, because it does. You separate dating from discipleship at your peril, Jesus Christ, the Light of the World, is tho only lamp by which you can successfully see the path of love and happiness. How should I love thee? As He does, for that way "never faileth". -Elder Holland

Application: Think about or answer this question: What can I improve upon in my relationship?

The Impact of Divorce on Families

What are the effects of Divorce?

What Can I do to help my blended family live in harmony?

The Goal: As you read seek your own personal answers to these questions.

Divorce is a difficult subject to talk about because so many people are affected by it either directly or indirectly. It can bring to remembrance heartache, and tender feelings. There are many people who have been divorced due to reasons that are justifiable an example of this may be abuse etc.   Although more and more people are using divorce as a "quick fix". The problem with this is that this "quick fix" can turn into complex family situations that will last for generations.

President Dallin H. Oaks stated in his talk on divorce these words,
"I strongly urge those who advise you to face up to the reality that for most marriage problems, the remedy is not divorce but repentance. Often the cause is not incompatibility but selfishness the first step is not separation but reformation. Divorce is not an all-purpose solution, and it often creates long-term heartache. A broad-based international study of the levels of happiness before and after major life events found that on average personas are far more successful in recovering their level of happiness after the death of a spouse than after a divorce. Spouses who hope that divorce will resolve conflicts often find that it aggravates them, since the complexities that follow divorce-especially where there are children-generate new conflicts... Think first of children. Because divorce separates the interests of children from the interests of their parents, children are its first victims. Scholars of family life tell us that the most important cause of the current decline in the well-being of children is the current weakening of marriage, because family stability decrease parental investment in children."

6 Stages of Divorce:

These stages below show the different areas one has to "divorce" from the other person. This can be stressful and complex.

1. Emotional Divorce: Loss of trust, respect, and affection.
2. Legal Divorce: Court officially brings marriage to an end.
3. Economic Divorce: Involves the settlement of property.
4. Co-parental Divorce: If you have children- who will have custody, visitation rights, continuing parental responsibilities.
5. Psychic Divorce: Separation occurs so they can become individuals again.
6. Community Divorce: Each of the partners leaves one community of friends and relations and enters another. Many times a couple has the same friends, so they will have to choose their friends or make new friends to avoid being with their ex-spouse.

Random Facts:

-Having premarital sexual relations increases the likelihood of divorce.

-70% of people who got divorced, said they regret divorce and think they could have saved their marriage.

Mixed Families vs. Nuclear Families (Traditional Family):

After someone is divorced there is a large chance they will get remarried. And getting remarried can be a difficult transition especially for the children. As you read below remember this is not meant to lead one to think mixed families are bad, for in many cases they are wonderful. But this information is to help each of us to be understanding of those who are in mixed families, and how these changes could influence the children greatly.

Difficulties that may be encountered in a mixed family:
-The children came before the marital pair instead of the marital pair before the children, so this could lead to loyalty conflicts.
-Parental tasks will involve a lot more people- ex-spouse, grandparents community members etc.
-It is a fairly open system
-Conflict in parenting/disciplining strategies. Often the step-parent will try to discipline their step-children at the beginning of their marriage which can cause the children to resent the step-parent.
-Emotional scars, fear of failure in the future.
-Less security- what if... why... Doubts and uncertainties.
-Divided loyalty
-Child's role has to start over.
-Court is involved

It will take a minimum of 2 years to gain a sense of normality. The reconstitution of the family will take about that long because there are a lot more things one has to work through, such as holidays, birthdays throughout the year etc. Brother Williams stated, "A step parent should be a really good aunt or uncle at first. Heavy parenting needs to happen by the birth parent."
There are many things one has to think through before marrying someone after a divorce. One thing our teacher told us is that if you have divorced wait at least 6 months to start dating again.

Overall, I hope we can see that Divorce can make peoples lives more complex, and difficult. Sometimes there are serious justifiable reasons for divorce. Many of the divorces today can be prevented through hard work, and selfless sacrifice, and forgiveness. Mixed families can be a result of divorce which can lead to various conflicts in a family. These conflicts can be worked through and a mixed family can have a relatively stable family as they work together to attain this. I know that the Lord knows each of us individually, and will guide us to make good decisions. I do not know everything about divorce or mixed families because I have not been directly affected by neither, but the Lord knows all. I'll end with this scripture: "Counsel with the Lord in all thy doings, and he will direct thee for good..." -Alma 37:37

Application:

How can I show more compassion to those who are going through a divorce? 

How can I better support those who are beginning a mixed family?

Share with Someone the consequences that can potentially come from Divorce.

Intentional Parenting...

There are so many things we could talk about when it comes to parenting, but today I want you to focus on answering these questions...Ponder these as you read, and jot down any impressions or thoughts that come into your mind.

What should I do when my child chooses to disobey?
How Should I Respond?

Why Do We Choose To Parent???
We are sons and daughters of Heavenly Parents. Before this world was we lived with them. They loved us and we loved them. We desired to become like them. God presented a plan for us to obtain the happiness that He has. We obtain happiness as we pass through hardships, repent, have faith and experience joy (by living the gospel of Jesus Christ. We gain this experience on Earth. We came to earth and passed through the veil of forgetfulness. Now we are here and through our faith, obedience and the atonement of our Savior Jesus Christ we can return to his presence clean and pure before him; full of joy. I believe that each of us has an innate desire to become parents because the family is central to God's plan for us. I desire to become like my Heavenly Parents who are perfect and love unconditionally, but also who will correct me when necessary.

Now I cannot say that I know everything about parenting, I have never been a parent myself but I have two wonderful parents who raised me up. I as I said I also have Heavenly Parents who care about me dearly. Someday I hope to have the privilege to be a parent.

As a daughter I provided my parents the opportunity to become better parents. Many times through my disobedience they learned to have patience with me. They learned to forgive unconditionally. As a daughter I learned how I wanted to be parented. And I learned how to be a daughter. I remember a special moment in my teenage years when I came to understand my role in the family, and my parents role. I had just made a mistake, and my Father spoke with me, we forgave each other, and we embraced; I remember tears were shed as my Father said, "Shayla you are teaching me how to be a parent, and I am teaching you how to be a daughter." This is profound to me. I know that we are in Families to learn, to improve, and to become as our Savior evermore kind, and loving. This does not happen overnight but will take us our whole lives and even into the Eternities to become as our Savior. We are not perfect, but we can strive to be better each day. What a blessing it is to have the power to choose!

When children make mistakes or are disobedient there are certain things we should ask ourselves. "Who's problem is it ( who owns the problem) ?, Who is going to be effected?, and Who is complaining about it?" There are different courses of action depending on who's problem it is. Let me give an example:

A child does not pick up the living room when the mother asked. - the parent owns the problem because he/she is probably the one complaining about it, it effects the parent because it may add stress to their life. Now the child may have caused the problem,but this does not mean they "own" the problem. In this case the parent can follow these guidelines:

Parent:
1. Polite request- Give respect to teach respect. ex. Would you please clean up this room?
2. "I" statement:

Example:
(behavior) When____________
(feeling) I feel______________
because____________
(intention) I would like________________

When you do not pick up the toys, I feel stressed because I have other things to do in the house, I would like you to clean up the room right now.

3. Firm- tone, serious
4. Logical Consequence- a consequence that is connected to the problem.
Steps of giving logical consequences:
1. Involve the child ahead of time.
2. give a child choice (when-then or if-then)
3. Something you can live with
4. Logically connection (doing dishes and vacation is not really connected)
5. Give the choice once; follow through
6.Firm and friendly
7. Let try again

When the child owns the problem we should allow the Natural consequences to do the teaching. Except when the consequences are dangerous, too far into the future to be of any value, or when others are affected greatly. 

Natural Consequence Example:
When I was in high school my siblings and I were told that we needed to weed the garden. We were asked nicely. Well a few weeks later my parents told us firmly that we needed to go weed the garden. Noticing the firmness in their voices we quickly obeyed. We went out there and the garden was gone! It was a forest. The weeds were as tall as me now.  And we found some pretty big spiders while weeding, which was not very delightful. After a while we finished. This was a teaching moment, we learned that if we would have got the job done right away it would have been easier and gone faster. My parents allowed us to learn that procrastination will not bless us, but hurt us. I am grateful that my parents taught us by allowing us to suffer the natural consequences of our choices.

I know that as we intentionally parent there will be great blessings that follow. We are not parents to control children, I like this quote by my teacher, "You have already failed if your point is to make children do things." The Lords way is to build people, to help us become evermore like Him. I believe that as we show respect to our children, and treat them as we want to be treated they will also come to respect their parents. I respect my parents very much. I obeyed my parents, and often wondered why I did not want to do something when my father or mother would simply say, "I do not think you should do that." It was not that they were controlling me, nor pressuring me, but I knew that they loved me unconditionally, and I trusted them. When we as parents are motivated out of love when teaching our children, our children will notice. As we see things with an eternal perspective we will see more teaching opportunities for our children, and we will be more effective as we parent.

Remember that many times when a child is rebelling, controlling others, seeking attention, or looking for revenge , or avoiding people they are usually just a reflection of a different need not being met. Sin is often because of a deep unmet need of the sinner. Let us be led by the spirit to see the heart not just the behavior. Let us respond to the oftentimes hidden need not just the behavior.

Application: Seek to see the hidden needs of your children. Choose to  respond to their needs!

The Key to Bringing Your Family Together

Work!

"From the beginning, the Lord commanded Adam to till the earth and have dominion over the beasts of the field, to eat his bread by the sweat of his brow. I have always been interested in how often the scriptures have admonished us to cease to be idle and to be productive in all of our labors...Teaching children the joy of honest labor is one of the greatest of all gifts you can bestow upon them."  -Elder L. Tom Perry

I am so close to my family, I love and cherish each of them so much.  I am the fifth child of ten children. There are 6 girls and 4 boys.  We were raised by our biological parents my Mom and Dad.  I have heard people often comment that they want small families so they can be very close to each other, and have better relationships. I want to say from my own experience that you can have a large or small family and be closely knit together as one.  Those who work to have a family that is united in love can achieve this, it is possible with the help of the Lord. I love my family dearly. We have created bonds that are unbreakable. The hardship's we have faced are minuscule in comparison to the joy we have experienced as a family.  The joy did not come because life was easy, in fact it was through hard work that we obtained this unspeakable Joy. And that is precisely what I want to talk about today.

The word "Work" is sometimes looked down upon. In fact we buy many of our everyday appliances just so we can avoid doing more work. But isn't that why we came to earth? Ever since the beginnning the Lord told Adam and Eve to work; the Lord stated, "the earth will be cursed for thy sake." Interesting how it was for their sake. Learning to work hard together as a family is a form of Godliness, and brings great joy. To reach Celestial Glory requires hard work and dilegence. I am going to share a few experiences in my life where work has been a blessing to my family and I.

Farm Life:

"Work is so fun!"- my Mom stated as my siblings and I woke up at the break of dawn to face another day of physical labor. I grew up on a farm in Washington. We grew alfalfa, corn, wheat, grass fields, and other various crops.  We also raised Angus cows, chickens, horses, and my Dad own's a dairy. And we have cats (we have so many it looks like were raising them.) Every morning us kids changed pipes and wheel lines, and fed baby calves around 5:00am-6:00am each morning before school; the school bus usually came at 7:15am. There was much work to do, and we had the privilege of doing it. 

There were many experiences that brought my siblings and I very close. In fact almost all the fun, happy memories I have occurred while we were working together as a family. Here are a few...

Garden:

Early in the mornings my parents would get us up to weed the garden. Well sometimes we would put off weeding the garden, and soon the weeds would be as tall as we were. It basically became a forest. We would all go out there and start pulling weeds by hand or with hoes, and it felt like it would take forever but actually went pretty quick when we all worked together. As we worked side by side we would have deep conversations with our parents, we would laugh, joke, and purposely throw dirt clod's at each other. We learned to have fun while we were working.

Tractor Experience:

My Dad had Mathew (my brother) and I hook up the tractor to a weed chopper. We were told to cut down all the weeds around the entire field. So we got started! I drove in front of Mathew with the four-wheeler and I would motion with my hands (he could not hear my voice because he was inside the tractor) where the big rocks were so he would not hit any. I got pretty skilled at hand motioning. Well as we came down a vibrant green weedy slope I noticed a small stream bed so I motioned for him to not go to the right. He misinterrpreted my hand motion, and the tractor and my brother fell into the stream bed. He told me later he thought I was motioning to go to the right. I was nervous for my brother, and I was shaking a bit. My brother was fine, but the tractor looked a little sideways in fact it was almost completely on its side (it was a huge tractor). I was like, "Math should we call Dad?" And we thought for a second and decided we better not. We didn't want Dad to see the tractor in this destructive state. So we decided to try to get it out on our own. I remember being so nervous for my brother, I did not want him to fall out of the tractor and get squished. So before he got in my brother and I said a small prayer to our Heavenly Father asking us for protection, and guidance to know how to get it out of the stream bed without my brother dying in the process. Well a miracle occurred and it popped right out of the stream bed. To us it was an answer to prayer. Just as we got the tractor out of the hole my Dad drove up, and asked us what was going on. So we explained, and he helped us get it back to the house. Now this experience of working with my brother allowed us to have a bonding experience. We were working together to accomplish a task. We made a mistake, and chose to turn to the Lord. As we took a step of faith we saw our prayer answered. Work can really bring people together. When we work together in our families we come to love and care about one another, and we learn to communicate.

Wheel Line:

We had to roll wheel lines that were really long, one or two people could not do it alone, we needed around 7 of us or more if we all could. We would all get on a wheel and roll it at the same time. It required us to work together. Usually wheel lines have motors that move them automatically, we did not. As I spoke with my parents recently they told me they could have afforded a motor all along. I was surprised, and then they said that they wanted to provide an opportunity for us to work, and learn to do it together. Sometimes we need to purposely provide work for our children. I am forever grateful that they did not buy a motor, but instead allowed us to grow together in unity and love.

Folding Laundry:

With six girls in our family oftentimes our bedroom floor was non-existent with the amount of clothes we had thrown everywhere. My Mother would gather us together and we would begin to clean. This of course led us to make it fun, and we would have clothes wars, and would have a type of pillow fight...but with clothes. It became a time of laughter, and joy even though it was hard work.

Service:

My parents would take us with them when they would visit the elderly, or when they saw an opportunity to serve they gathered us up to go serve. Once our garbage man dropped a bunch of garbage on the road, and it was a huge mess. My Mother and Father saw this and told us to go get our shovels and get in the van. We shoveled off all this garbage off the road and my Dad took it away in the tractor. It brought Joy to our hearts.

Some Other Things that can bring families together:

-Service

-Working together

-Family Scripture Study

-Family prayer

-Family Council

-Wholesome Recreational activities

-Going to church together

I know that as we strive to provide opportunities for our families to work together, that the blessings will be poured down upon us. I know that the Lord wants us to work side by side in our families. His work and His glory is to bring about the immortality and Eternal life of man.

Application: Find something simple you can do with a family member or roommate that requires you to work together, or serve together. Reflect on how this affected your relationship with that person.

IT IS IMPOSSIBLE NOT TO COMMUNICATE!

How Do I Communicate With Others? How Can I Improve?

The Goal: As you read seek to find the answers to the questions above.

Communication!!!
I want to focus on why we communicate, and non-verbal communication. Whether we are still single, in the dating stage, newly weds, married with kids, or grandparents. No matter your age or stage there is always ways to improve your communication.

What is Communication?
Communication is the process by which information is exchanged between individuals through a common system of symbols, signs, or behavior; exchange of information.

Why we communicate:
-Physical Needs- "Communication is so important it affects physical health."
-Identity Needs- "We decide who we are based on how others react to us."
-Social Needs- Communication is the primary way we satisfy our social needs."
-Practical Goals-  Communication helps us accomplish our goals.

We are always communicating it is impossible not to communicate. As human beings we need communication to survive. Whether it is non-verbally, verbally, or through the tone of our voice. There are various ways we communicate, and there are different levels of trust associated.  Below are the percentages of which area of communication people trust the most...

There are three channels of communication:
1.Words-         14%
2.Non-verbal-  51%
3.Tone-             35%
                      =100%

Above it says that 51% of people say that  non-verbal communication is what they trust when it comes to understanding another individual.Why is it that people trust our non-verbal communication the most?  Lets give an example to demonstrate: You ask a friend "How has your day been?" and your friend responds, "good." as she is frowning, tears in her eyes  and slouching in her chair.

Would you believe her verbal communication or her non-verbal communication? As you can see it is pretty obvious that this girl is not doing okay and you will trust what her non-verbal communication is telling you far more than the verbal response....so why does this even matter?

Non-verbal Communication can be very powerful, used for better or for worse.
I love this statement, "Nonverbal cues have a number of functions in communication. First they complement our words. If you say, "I love you" and touch or embrace the other, you are reinforcing the meaning of your words. Sometimes people may not really believe what we say or at least may have doubts, unless we reinforce the words with some kind of nonverbal behavior
In my life when I am reassured non-verbally I feel at ease, and more readily believe perhaps the verbal communication.

Other Functions of Non-verbal Communication include:
-non-verbal cues may contradict our words- this is like the story I shared above when someone is saying one thing but their body language is contradicting what they are saying verbally.
-non-verbal cues repeat the message- you can give a message without words, so for example I already know my mother loves me, she does not have to say it all the time. But she will give me a hug repeating that message of love.
-non-verbal cues regulate communication- When we are in conversations with others we can show that we are interested or disinterested by our body language. This can help with the flow of the conversation.
-non-verbal cues may substitute for words- For example a friend may ask if I liked the party, and I choose to smile, she knows that my answer is yes without me having to say anything verbally.
-non-verbal cues may accent the verbal message- As you are saying something such as "you look nice today" you could touch the persons shoulder to add greater meaning to the complement; accenting the verbal message.
-non-verbal cues may trigger attributions- "your partner will pick up on non-verbal cues and attribute various motivations and feelings to you."
-non-verbal cues influence both the attitudes and behaviors of others- "People are more likely to comply with a request if you touch them. In marriage such nonverbal behaviors as smiling, touching, and making frequent eye contact all affirm the relationship and can enhacne the commitment and the affectionate behavior of the partner."

Peter F. Drucker stated, "The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn't said."

Application: Non-verbally communicate your love for someone you care about this week.

References: Marriage and Family the Request for Intimacy, Looking Out, Looking In

A Family Crisis

Have you faced a "family crisis" recently, or in the past? If so, what caused it? How  did you feel during that time?  How did you respond? Did you grow as a result? 

So what is exactly a "Crisis"? In my eyes it is a danger or an opportunity. A family can choose to become stronger as a result or weaker depending on their individual choices.

We are going to come to understand how to effectively cope with family struggle's and turn a "Family Crisis" into an opportunity for growth.

Examples of Family Stressors:

• An unexpected death in the family (whether immediate family or extended)
• Divorce
• The loss of a job
• Health decline-permanent or temporary
• A child who chooses a wayward path; one that goes against the decided family morals.
• Drug addictions such as Alcohol
• Sexual Abuse
• Violence
• Financial concerns
• Natural Disasters

Above are some stressor's family's may experience over the years. Some may seem more daunting than others. Each event effects every individual in the family in some way; no one is exempt. There  is much learning and growth that will take place as we are effectively coping with these hardships together.Thomas S. Monson stated, "Our most significant opportunities will be found in times of greatest challenge."

Effective Coping Patterns:

• Take Responsibility- "charting a new course as an alternative to playing the victim game. In some cases, taking responsibility may involve confrontation."
• Affirm Your Own and Your Family's Worth-  Believe in yourself, and the strengths that you and your family have. Focus on the potential, and great worth you have individually.
• Balance Self-Concern with Other-Concern- "Someone who stays in an abusive relationship because "my spouse needs me" may be too other-focused. Someone who leaves a spouse simply because "I want my space so I can grow" may be too self-focused." Find a balance.
• Learn the Art of Reframing- "A way of changing your perspective on a situation...you learn to redefine something that you had defined as troublesome as adaptive and useful."
• Find and Use Available Resources- "Every family has numerous internal and external resources to which it can turn in a time of crisis" For example, religious groups, family members, extended family, books, self-help groups, friends etc.

Ineffective Coping Patterns:

• Denial- When you ignore the problem. Or deny that it exists. Instead we must openly admit there is a problem.
• Avoidance- When you acknowledge that the problem exists, but avoid confronting the issue for a long period of time.
• Scapegoating- Choosing someone other than yourself to blame for the crisis at hand. This oftentimes is found in abusive situations.

As we try to eliminate the ineffective coping patterns, and apply effective coping patterns we will be better able to respond to the hardships that we are encountering in our families. We cannot change others, but we can begin by choosing ourselves the way we will respond to the stressor events we encounter in life. As we turn to the Lord he will guide us to know what things we may need to change, he will bless us for our efforts.

President Spencer W. Kimball said, "No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God...and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire and which will make us more like our Father and Mother in Heaven."

Application: Share with someone how to effectively cope during a "family crisis".

Protect Your Marriage

What does marriage require for it to be successful?

Today I want to talk specifically about fidelity, and the negative consequences of infidelity.

Infidelity within marriages is rampant in today's society (although not as pervasive as is shown on the media), and we need to face it head on. What can we do to avoid infidelity, and strengthen fidelity within our marriages?

What is Marital Fidelity?

Fidelity means to be completely faithful or loyal. Loyal in thoughts, words, and actions. When I am loyal to someone I will protect and defend them at all costs. I would not do anything that would have the potential to hurt them emotionally, physically, or in any other way or form. It means establishing a deep trust with one another. We cannot sit passively, we need to always be on guard. We must actively protect our marriages, and families from the fiery darts of the adversary. 

"The grass is always greener...on the side of the fence you water."

Do we understand what Infidelity is?

The Lord loves all of His children, and wants us to be happy. Most people also want to have a happy successful marriage, yet sometimes we fall into temptation. Usually these temptations are subtle, and little by little one is led down a dark path. Marital infidelity is not just when one has sexual relations with another individual outside of marriage, there are various ways to be unfaithful. We must avoid all types of infidelity whether large or small. All have the potential to harm your relationship, and perhaps destroy your marriage.

From the articles and books I have been reading I have identified 4 types of affairs:

1.Fantasy- "Having an emotional affair with someone who has no knowledge about what is taking place, or with someone who is anonymous and will likely never be met." Examples include: flirting online, social networking, fantasizing about someone other than your spouse. This can also include fantasizing about people in movies or romantic books etc.

2.Visual- Visual affairs such as pornography. This is probably the most prevalent type of affair. And can become very addicting. Pornography is not just confined to images it is any medium that has the intent to lead to sexual arousal. This includes pornographic literature, movies, videos, music, words, images etc. We cannot rationalize, we must avoid pornography at all costs.

3.Romantic- "Becoming emotionally involved with someone other than his/her spouse." Also known as a second life. The media displays that people want to escape the monotony of everyday life. They may have a temporary happiness that may seem thrilling at the time, but it will not last; they will be disappointed over time.

4.Sexual- "When one engages in sexual acts outside the bonds of marriage. Many times visual affairs will lead to sexual affairs."

"Satan will try to convince us that we can find happiness, joy and pleasure in infidelity. Just the opposite is true. Even though it may seem for a time that everything is wonderful, President Benson warned, "Quickly the relationship will sour. Guilt and shame set in. We become fearful that our sins will be discovered. We must sneak and hide, lie and cheat. Love begins to die. Bitterness, jealousy, anger, and even hate begin to grow."

Ways to avoid Infidelity:

Wise Walls (written by Scott Gardner):

-Resist the desire to rescue an unhappy soul who pours their heart out to you.

-Don't share the most painful things of your soul with an attractive alternative. This develops deep levels of intimacy.

-If a conversation makes light of marriage, respond with something positive about your own marriage.

-Discuss marital issues with your spouse. Work on the problems at home. If you do need to talk to someone else about your marriage, be sure they are a friend of the marriage.

-Don't have lunch or take work breaks with same person all the time.

-When you travel with a co-worker, meet in the public rooms, not in a room with a bed.

-If an old boyfriend or girlfriend is going to be at a class reunion, make sure you bring your spouse along.

-If you value your marriage, don't do lunch alone with an old flame.

-Don't try to be cute or "flirty" with anyone other than your spouse.

-Do not allow your heart to dwell on anyone.

I know that as we strive to live in accordance with God's commandments that he will guide us to know the changes we need to make, and help us to avoid temptation. He Loves all of his children, and wants us to have beautiful marriages. I hope that we all will work hard each day to strengthen our marriages, and find joy in the family we have been blessed with.

Application: Pray to know a change you can make individually to be more loyal/faithful to your spouse.

Plan the Wedding or the Marriage?

Patterns:
The way we start marriage matters. Sometimes we get so caught up in planning the wedding that we forget to plan our marriage. I love this statement, "The pattern you establish in the first year of marriage is likely to be the pattern you maintain throughout your marriage."

I am going through college right now, and one of the biggest concerns that I see is that many students will find someone they are attracted to, hang out in the persons apartment doing homework or watching movies, and that is about it. This worries me because they are not truly getting to know the person, nor providing opportunities to discuss what they want in their future families, their desires, goals, expectations, values etc.. It is important to use your time wisely when you are dating.

 I have also met couples who are dating in very healthy ways that allow them to prepare for marriage. This couple will do a variety of activities together, and practice what their marriage will look like. For example instead of sitting around their girl/boy friends apartment they are engaged in wholesome recreational activities service, work, etc. Things that are mentioned in the proclamation to the family. In these situations questions will arise, which will spark conversation which were then in turn bring about the opportunity to discuss the future they have in mind for their marriage/family.

Brother Williams told us that he was talking to a young couple that were in a pretty serious relationship it seemed. He asked them, "So what kind of dates do you go on together?" They replied saying, "we do not go on dates Brother Williams we are steady dating now." I had to laugh at that, because this happens often. Dating all throughout your relationship is important because as we stated above it is a way to truly get to know someone. So what is there to do when you are a couple, everything seems to just cost money! Some people will choose to not date, but just hang out so they avoid spending unnecessary amounts of money. Dating does not need to cost money, creativity can solve that problem. The best dates I have been on did not cost money, only maybe a little fuel money.

Good date Ideas could include:

Going to a retirement home to visit older couples, serving neighbors (cleaning, weeding etc.). Ding dong ditching cookies on peoples doors, or just delivering them to people. Visit a homeless shelter.  Baking together, Go on a hike, make homemade play-dough and create something together. Go on a bike ride. There are so many things you could do together, and a lot of them do not cost very much, if anything.

As you get to know your boy/girlfriend you will be better prepared to face the conflicts that will arise in marriage. There are a few adjustments a couple will have to make at the beginning of their marriage. Because each of them were previously living 2 separate individual lives it may be different and sometimes challenging to live with another person who has their own habits, and ways of doing things. And there are some big questions that the newly weds will have to discuss together.

Early marriage adjustments:
-learning how to balance ( for example time at work, and time with your spouse)
-who will make the meals?
-who will shop?
-Debts brought into the marriage
-When to have children
-Time management
-Sexual intimacy
-Who do you spend the Holidays with?
-What traditions will you have?

Now the list above is just a tiny portion of the questions or topics that will come up during early marriage. There are many topics that will need to be discussed  before marriage, and within the first year of marriage. "Establish your own marital system, your own way of relating and dealing with the various problems and processes of family life." It is liberating to know that we have agency, we have the power to choose. We can establish a home full of love, and an environment of acceptance.

Establishing a home full of love begins with your marriage. Love is learned, and is a gift from God. Marvin J. Ashton stated, "True love is a process. True love requires personal action." Small acts of kindness, and acts of selflessness are ways to increase your love for your spouse. "Love seems the swiftest, but it is the slowest of all growths. No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century." -Mark Twain
I know that as a newly wed couple start out their lives together they can choose to love each other. Love for your spouse is manifest in the decisions you make each day.


There are so many beautiful things one can establish as a young married couple. We can pattern our marriages and family after the Divine. The Lord has provided the way for us to obtain a fullness of Joy in our marriages and families.

Watch this video called "Nurturing Marriage," by President Russel M. Nelson, it is wonderful!!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mPHruVptliU#action=share

Application: 

Talk to someone about the patterns you established the first year of your marriage; should you keep them or change them? 

If your not married- What patterns do you desire to have in your future marriage?

Is the Relationship with my Significant Other Healthy?

Now that you have read the title (I assume...), think about it as you are reading. If you do you will be able to analyze, and perhaps recognize ways you can improve your own relationships. So let's dive in!

The R.a.m Plan:



What is The R.a.m Plan? Above here you see one of the best tools to determine how you are doing in your relationship. Each column signifies your level of bonding in that specific area. There is one rule to this image above: "Never go further in one bonding area than you have gone in the previous."

Why would this be a rule? Well say you fully commit to someone before you really know them; this will put a person in a dangerous position. There are many examples that can show the problems that come when these 5 bonding areas get out of balance.

John Vann Epp stated, "The balance of all five bonding dynamics determines the healthiness of your relationship and the clarity of your perspective on your partner." Having this balance will assist you in choosing your future spouse wisely. I feel that if this was understood and applied many people would avoid much heartache, and pain caused from getting out of balance in one or more areas above.

My eyes have been opened  to the wisdom of the RAM plan. Lets consider someone who does the RAM plan backwards. I will make up a scenario. Bob went on a date with Susie. Bob and Susie kiss on the first date (touch). This of course was exciting because Susie was attracted to Bob, and thought he was cool. She felt that she was committed to him now that they kissed. They go on a second date, and kiss again. While Susie feels that there is a commitment Bob perhaps feels there is not commitment. Over time Susie sees that Bob is treating her badly, but it is difficult to leave the relationship because they are physically attached. It becomes a very unhealthy relationship based on the physical. There are other instances where we could say that a person commits to, and is physically involved with another person when they do not even know the other individual, this can be dangerous and could even lead to physical abuse.

It is interesting how "touch" is the last lever, and knowing the person is the first. If we are to keep our minds clear enough to really get to know a person we need to limit the physical touch. Anyone who has been in a relationship and has kissed, held hands etc. knows that you literally become dumber, and cannot think as clearly. When we learn to control our physical appetites we will be able to make wiser decisions that we will not regret later.

I love this statement, "You must keep an equal involvement of your heart and mind. A healthy premarital relationship and a choice of a partner you won't regret require input from both the head and the heart...Healthy love is not blind, because the heart and mind are in sync with each other."

Elder Bednar said, "Love increases through righteous restraint and decreases through impulsive indulgence." This can reveal someone's character. When we learn to control ourselves and "bridle our passions" it shows that we truly love someone. My Father was giving me dating counsel and said, "Shayla a good man will do whatever it takes to protect a girls virtue. This goes for woman also.

The first lever is knowing, why is it so important to know someone? I think Elder Holland makes a good point here, "There are many qualities you will want to look for in a friend or a serious date-to day nothing of a spouse and eternal companion-but surely among the first and most basic of those qualities will be those of care and sensitivity toward others, minimum of self-centeredness that allows compassion and courtesy to be evident. There are lots of limitations in all of us that we hope our sweethearts will overlook, I suppose no one is as handsome or as beautiful as he or she wishes, or as brilliant in school or as witty in speech or as wealthy as we would like, but in a world of varied talents and fortunes that we can't always command, I think that makes even more attractive the qualities we can command-such qualities as thoughtfulness, patience, a kind word, and true delight in the accomplishment of another. These cost us nothing, and they can mean everything to the one who receives them."

I have known people who have become more attractive in my eyes because of who they are, and how they treat others. These qualities are lasting even into the eternities.

We are God's children, and as his children we can be self-disciplined in order to establish healthy relationships. I know that the Lord wants us to make wise choices, and when we choose to slowly pace our relationships we will be better able to make wise, and informed decisions. As we do these things we will develop a deeper and longer lasting love for the person of our choice.

 I'll end with this , "Do you want capability, safety, and security in dating and romance, in married life and eternity? Be a true disciple of Jesus. Be a genuine, committed, word-and-deed Latter-day Saint. Believe that your faith has everything to do with your romance, because it does. You separate dating from discipleship at your peril, Jesus Christ, the Light of the World, is tho only lamp by which you can successfully see the path of love and happiness. How should I love thee? As He does, for that way "never faileth". -Elder Holland

Application: Think about or answer this question: What can I improve upon in my relationship?

It is a Blessing that Men and Woman are Different!

President Spencer W. Kimball

“In his wisdom and mercy, our Father made men and women dependent on each other for the full flowering of their potential. Because their natures are somewhat different, they can complement each other; because they are in many ways alike, they can understand each other. Let neither envy the other for their differences; let both discern what is superficial and what is beautifully basic in those differences, and act accordingly” (“Relief Society—Its Promise and Potential,” Ensign, Mar. 1976, 5).

So as you can see the topic in our class was way interesting!!! I have learned a lot and hope as you read this it will be uplifting to you also. I love this quote above! Men and woman can complement each other because of their differences, and therefore reach their full potential together. I love how God since the beginning of time has prepared a way for us to reach our full divine potential, and Eternal Joy and Happiness.

Elder Boyd K. Packer stated, 
"Except Adam and Eve by nature be different from one another, they could not multiply and fill the earth [see Genesis 1:28]. The complementing differences are the very key to the plan of happiness.

Men and women are created as complements. They complete one another. Paul told the Corinthians: ‘Nevertheless neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord’ (1 Corinthians 11:11). 

Men and women complement each other not only physically, but also emotionally and spiritually. The apostle Paul taught that ‘the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband’ and through them both the children are made holy (1 Corinthians 7:14). Men and women have different strengths and weaknesses, and marriage is a synergistic relationship in which spiritual growth is enhanced because of the differences” (“The Eternal Family,” 113).

“We had full equality as his spirit children. We have equality as recipients of God’s perfected love for each of us. …

“Within those great assurances, however, our roles and assignments differ. These are eternal differences—with women being given many tremendous responsibilities of motherhood and sisterhood and men being given the tremendous responsibilities of fatherhood and the priesthood” (“The Role of Righteous Women,” Ensign,Nov. 1979, 102).

 I know that God loves each of his children equally. I know that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God. I know that men and woman have distinct divine roles, and that we will be held accountable before God for the choices we make to fulfill or not fulfill these roles. I know that as we center our lives on the Savior that we will come to understand to a greater extent the divinity within men and woman.

Diversity in Families

What makes your family different? Do you have a certain culture within your family? There is not a single family that is the exact same. Each has a distinct culture within the home. These distinctions make our families unique, and special to us. 

So what do I mean by culture? Culture is: "the beliefs, customs, arts, etc., of a particular society, group, place or time; a particular society that has its own beliefs, ways of life, art, etc; a way of thinking behaving, or working that exists in a place or organization." My family culture is very interesting; I learned this when I got to live with roommates. As an example I will share an experience: In my family we like things to get done as fast and effectively as possible. Sometimes we accomplish this by tossing items such as the car keys. We are all coordinated enough to catch, and so this became a normal part of life. Well in Argentina I was living with a couple people, and I tossed an item to one of them, I thought it was odd that she didn't catch it. I noticed after a few moments that this person did not appreciate me chucking this item at her. I was confused...wasn't that a normal thing for everyone? She explained, that to her and her family, chucking items at another person is rude, and not appropriate to do. I quickly learned that my family culture is different than other family cultures. 

When you come to understand another's culture your eyes are opened, and your ability to see situations from their perspective will be enhanced. This will help us as a society to become evermore tolerant and respecting of those around us.

One thing we did growing up was Family Prayer. We were not perfect but we would typically do this morning and night. I remember that we would be running late in the morning and the bus was going to come at any moment, and we would still have family prayer. Sometimes my Dad would say the prayer, and it was a little longer. In my mind I would think, "Dad we are going to miss the bus!" But it created a culture in our family. We tried to put the Lord first in our lives. When I talk to other people I know some have this way of life also, and then there are others who do not.

Another part of our family culture was work. We worked ever since we were little. In our family it became an enjoyable thing at times, and some of our most precious memories come from working together as a family. It taught us responsibility.  One thing that we did was raised baby cows. This was quite the experience. I remember getting up early in the mornings before school to feed the baby cows and change pipes. They were not the easiest tasks, but they had to be done. We had to make their pens with straw bales and a slab of wood, and then a wire fence. At one point we had around 70 baby calves. We had to bottle feed them until they reached a certain age/size, and then we taught them to eat grain. The most dreaded job was cleaning out their pens. We took shovels, scooped out the manure, and the molding straw, load it in the wheel barrow, and dump it. The smell was horrible. We worked together (my siblings and I) to accomplish the task.  At one point we had to work the cows (castrate them). These Angus cows were very stubborn, and they tended to bring out the worst in us. One cow was supper stubborn and would not go in the shoot. My brother got frustrated so he decided to jump on the cow (my brother played center in football so he was pretty big). It was the funniest thing, he jumps on the cow, and then he just landed in the manure. We all just started laughing. The time we worked together allowed us to really come close to one another. We learned important lessons, such as how to work hard, being reliable, obedience, patience, respect etc. I am so grateful that my parents entrusted us to do this work.

Talking to my parents recently I found that many of these things they had us do were not really financially beneficial to them. They provided work for us so that we could grow as individuals. I love this because it shows that we can decide the type of culture we want in our families. We do not need to wait for those opportunities to come to us, but sometimes we may need to create those opportunities ourselves. For us these things were a normal way of life. When I tell people about how I grew up, and what I did it is so foreign to them. Even now I forget sometimes that what we did is not what most people experience in their families. All families have such different cultures and are good in different ways. We can and should learn from each other. We can work to have a good family culture, and also be understanding of others. As we recognize that others grew up differently than us, it will enable us to be more understanding of why they do the things they do.

Application: Discuss one aspect of your family culture with someone.

How does your Familly Interact???

All families have differing ways of communicating. Some ways may include non-verbal looks, and body language. Some things may cause us to laugh as we look back and remember...what look did your parents give you when you said something out of line? What did that look tell you?

Communication styles many times are taught to us by our parents. In some families people may communicate a lot through physical contact, such as hugs, kisses on the cheek, latching arms etc. My family was not too much this way, but we did have some physical contact. For example my Mother would often hug us, and give us kisses on the cheek; this told us that she cared about us. She would also tuck us into bed, and we loved this as kids. My Father also gives us hugs. My parents would give each other short kisses in front of us, to also show us that they loved each other. This helped us to feel secure, because we knew Mom and Dads marriage was stable. I think that physical touch is an important way of communicating love for one another. There have been studies done in the past with babies and their need for physical touch. They decided to not hold nor touch babies in one experiment for a few weeks. They found that the babies began to die because they did not have any physical contact. We likewise even as adults need that physical contact it helps us to flourish, and gives us a sense of security.

Non-verbal communication is huge in our families. We do not have to say anything for a message to get across. One non-verbal cue my family used was the shoulder shrug. This meant "I do not know." This is very common, and most everyone knows what this means. Another one you may see frequently is the raise of the eyebrows. One of my parents would do this when they disapproved of something we were doing. Sometimes just a witty smile can tell another that they are just teasing, or a kind smile can tell someone they feel for them. It is amazing and fascinating that we communicate in so many diverse ways.

Verbal communication combined with non-verbal communication can also be very powerful. When someone says they love you and give you a hug or touch your arm it means more, and seems more sincere. Non-verbal communication can really accent our verbal communication.


 I remember vividly the look I got in my family when I crossed the line; it was a look of "if you say another word there will be consequences." This look was giving me negative feedback, telling me to stop the behavior;  this helped me to know where the boundaries were in my home . There was also positive feedback, when I was doing my work, and my parents just gave me a quick hug, or big smile. The funny thing is I even find myself mimicking those same looks to my own roommates. Tone of voice was huge also, when one of my parents had a certain tone of voice we knew things were getting serious. Without noticing at times we tend to communicate similarly to the way our parents communicated with us growing up.

When we receive negative and positive feedback in regard to our behavior it can shape who we become. If my parents always gave me negative feedback when I did something good, I probably would stop doing good things over time. But when they give me positive feedback when I do good, I am more likely to continue that behavior. I remember one time when I drove to fast in a car, I told my parents and they were not happy. Ever since then I see driving fast in a car as a negative thing, and I know that my parents disapprove of it.

We need to pay attention to the positive or negative feedback we give to the people around us. Sometimes we give positive feedback to someone who really needs negative feedback. There was a time when I laughed at an inappropriate joke. I knew it was inappropriate but because of pressure I gave positive feedback by laughing which of course encouraged more of the behavior. It is so important to give negative and positive feedback where merited.

Even our Heavenly Father gives us feedback and correction yet does this in a constructive way. L Lionel Kendrick said, "Heavenly Father has given us a priceless gift in our capacity to communicate with each other. Our communications are at the core of our relationships with others. If we are to return home safely to Heavenly Father, we must develop righteous relationship with His children here it mortality. Our communications reflect in our countenance. Therefore, we must be careful not only what we communicate, but also how we do so. Souls can be strengthened or shattered by the message and the manner in which we communicate."

I will end with this, "May we be found communicating with each other in a manner in which the Savior would communicate. Christlike communications are expressed in tones of love rather than loudness. They are intended to be helpful rather than hurtful. They tend to bind us together rather than to drive us apart. they tend to build rather than to belittle."


Application: Self-evaluate the way you communicate, set goals to improve.