Plan the Wedding or the Marriage?

Patterns:
The way we start marriage matters. Sometimes we get so caught up in planning the wedding that we forget to plan our marriage. I love this statement, "The pattern you establish in the first year of marriage is likely to be the pattern you maintain throughout your marriage."

I am going through college right now, and one of the biggest concerns that I see is that many students will find someone they are attracted to, hang out in the persons apartment doing homework or watching movies, and that is about it. This worries me because they are not truly getting to know the person, nor providing opportunities to discuss what they want in their future families, their desires, goals, expectations, values etc.. It is important to use your time wisely when you are dating.

 I have also met couples who are dating in very healthy ways that allow them to prepare for marriage. This couple will do a variety of activities together, and practice what their marriage will look like. For example instead of sitting around their girl/boy friends apartment they are engaged in wholesome recreational activities service, work, etc. Things that are mentioned in the proclamation to the family. In these situations questions will arise, which will spark conversation which were then in turn bring about the opportunity to discuss the future they have in mind for their marriage/family.

Brother Williams told us that he was talking to a young couple that were in a pretty serious relationship it seemed. He asked them, "So what kind of dates do you go on together?" They replied saying, "we do not go on dates Brother Williams we are steady dating now." I had to laugh at that, because this happens often. Dating all throughout your relationship is important because as we stated above it is a way to truly get to know someone. So what is there to do when you are a couple, everything seems to just cost money! Some people will choose to not date, but just hang out so they avoid spending unnecessary amounts of money. Dating does not need to cost money, creativity can solve that problem. The best dates I have been on did not cost money, only maybe a little fuel money.

Good date Ideas could include:

Going to a retirement home to visit older couples, serving neighbors (cleaning, weeding etc.). Ding dong ditching cookies on peoples doors, or just delivering them to people. Visit a homeless shelter.  Baking together, Go on a hike, make homemade play-dough and create something together. Go on a bike ride. There are so many things you could do together, and a lot of them do not cost very much, if anything.

As you get to know your boy/girlfriend you will be better prepared to face the conflicts that will arise in marriage. There are a few adjustments a couple will have to make at the beginning of their marriage. Because each of them were previously living 2 separate individual lives it may be different and sometimes challenging to live with another person who has their own habits, and ways of doing things. And there are some big questions that the newly weds will have to discuss together.

Early marriage adjustments:
-learning how to balance ( for example time at work, and time with your spouse)
-who will make the meals?
-who will shop?
-Debts brought into the marriage
-When to have children
-Time management
-Sexual intimacy
-Who do you spend the Holidays with?
-What traditions will you have?

Now the list above is just a tiny portion of the questions or topics that will come up during early marriage. There are many topics that will need to be discussed  before marriage, and within the first year of marriage. "Establish your own marital system, your own way of relating and dealing with the various problems and processes of family life." It is liberating to know that we have agency, we have the power to choose. We can establish a home full of love, and an environment of acceptance.

Establishing a home full of love begins with your marriage. Love is learned, and is a gift from God. Marvin J. Ashton stated, "True love is a process. True love requires personal action." Small acts of kindness, and acts of selflessness are ways to increase your love for your spouse. "Love seems the swiftest, but it is the slowest of all growths. No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century." -Mark Twain
I know that as a newly wed couple start out their lives together they can choose to love each other. Love for your spouse is manifest in the decisions you make each day.


There are so many beautiful things one can establish as a young married couple. We can pattern our marriages and family after the Divine. The Lord has provided the way for us to obtain a fullness of Joy in our marriages and families.

Watch this video called "Nurturing Marriage," by President Russel M. Nelson, it is wonderful!!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mPHruVptliU#action=share

Application: 

Talk to someone about the patterns you established the first year of your marriage; should you keep them or change them? 

If your not married- What patterns do you desire to have in your future marriage?

Is the Relationship with my Significant Other Healthy?

Now that you have read the title (I assume...), think about it as you are reading. If you do you will be able to analyze, and perhaps recognize ways you can improve your own relationships. So let's dive in!

The R.a.m Plan:



What is The R.a.m Plan? Above here you see one of the best tools to determine how you are doing in your relationship. Each column signifies your level of bonding in that specific area. There is one rule to this image above: "Never go further in one bonding area than you have gone in the previous."

Why would this be a rule? Well say you fully commit to someone before you really know them; this will put a person in a dangerous position. There are many examples that can show the problems that come when these 5 bonding areas get out of balance.

John Vann Epp stated, "The balance of all five bonding dynamics determines the healthiness of your relationship and the clarity of your perspective on your partner." Having this balance will assist you in choosing your future spouse wisely. I feel that if this was understood and applied many people would avoid much heartache, and pain caused from getting out of balance in one or more areas above.

My eyes have been opened  to the wisdom of the RAM plan. Lets consider someone who does the RAM plan backwards. I will make up a scenario. Bob went on a date with Susie. Bob and Susie kiss on the first date (touch). This of course was exciting because Susie was attracted to Bob, and thought he was cool. She felt that she was committed to him now that they kissed. They go on a second date, and kiss again. While Susie feels that there is a commitment Bob perhaps feels there is not commitment. Over time Susie sees that Bob is treating her badly, but it is difficult to leave the relationship because they are physically attached. It becomes a very unhealthy relationship based on the physical. There are other instances where we could say that a person commits to, and is physically involved with another person when they do not even know the other individual, this can be dangerous and could even lead to physical abuse.

It is interesting how "touch" is the last lever, and knowing the person is the first. If we are to keep our minds clear enough to really get to know a person we need to limit the physical touch. Anyone who has been in a relationship and has kissed, held hands etc. knows that you literally become dumber, and cannot think as clearly. When we learn to control our physical appetites we will be able to make wiser decisions that we will not regret later.

I love this statement, "You must keep an equal involvement of your heart and mind. A healthy premarital relationship and a choice of a partner you won't regret require input from both the head and the heart...Healthy love is not blind, because the heart and mind are in sync with each other."

Elder Bednar said, "Love increases through righteous restraint and decreases through impulsive indulgence." This can reveal someone's character. When we learn to control ourselves and "bridle our passions" it shows that we truly love someone. My Father was giving me dating counsel and said, "Shayla a good man will do whatever it takes to protect a girls virtue. This goes for woman also.

The first lever is knowing, why is it so important to know someone? I think Elder Holland makes a good point here, "There are many qualities you will want to look for in a friend or a serious date-to day nothing of a spouse and eternal companion-but surely among the first and most basic of those qualities will be those of care and sensitivity toward others, minimum of self-centeredness that allows compassion and courtesy to be evident. There are lots of limitations in all of us that we hope our sweethearts will overlook, I suppose no one is as handsome or as beautiful as he or she wishes, or as brilliant in school or as witty in speech or as wealthy as we would like, but in a world of varied talents and fortunes that we can't always command, I think that makes even more attractive the qualities we can command-such qualities as thoughtfulness, patience, a kind word, and true delight in the accomplishment of another. These cost us nothing, and they can mean everything to the one who receives them."

I have known people who have become more attractive in my eyes because of who they are, and how they treat others. These qualities are lasting even into the eternities.

We are God's children, and as his children we can be self-disciplined in order to establish healthy relationships. I know that the Lord wants us to make wise choices, and when we choose to slowly pace our relationships we will be better able to make wise, and informed decisions. As we do these things we will develop a deeper and longer lasting love for the person of our choice.

 I'll end with this , "Do you want capability, safety, and security in dating and romance, in married life and eternity? Be a true disciple of Jesus. Be a genuine, committed, word-and-deed Latter-day Saint. Believe that your faith has everything to do with your romance, because it does. You separate dating from discipleship at your peril, Jesus Christ, the Light of the World, is tho only lamp by which you can successfully see the path of love and happiness. How should I love thee? As He does, for that way "never faileth". -Elder Holland

Application: Think about or answer this question: What can I improve upon in my relationship?

It is a Blessing that Men and Woman are Different!

President Spencer W. Kimball

“In his wisdom and mercy, our Father made men and women dependent on each other for the full flowering of their potential. Because their natures are somewhat different, they can complement each other; because they are in many ways alike, they can understand each other. Let neither envy the other for their differences; let both discern what is superficial and what is beautifully basic in those differences, and act accordingly” (“Relief Society—Its Promise and Potential,” Ensign, Mar. 1976, 5).

So as you can see the topic in our class was way interesting!!! I have learned a lot and hope as you read this it will be uplifting to you also. I love this quote above! Men and woman can complement each other because of their differences, and therefore reach their full potential together. I love how God since the beginning of time has prepared a way for us to reach our full divine potential, and Eternal Joy and Happiness.

Elder Boyd K. Packer stated, 
"Except Adam and Eve by nature be different from one another, they could not multiply and fill the earth [see Genesis 1:28]. The complementing differences are the very key to the plan of happiness.

Men and women are created as complements. They complete one another. Paul told the Corinthians: ‘Nevertheless neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord’ (1 Corinthians 11:11). 

Men and women complement each other not only physically, but also emotionally and spiritually. The apostle Paul taught that ‘the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband’ and through them both the children are made holy (1 Corinthians 7:14). Men and women have different strengths and weaknesses, and marriage is a synergistic relationship in which spiritual growth is enhanced because of the differences” (“The Eternal Family,” 113).

“We had full equality as his spirit children. We have equality as recipients of God’s perfected love for each of us. …

“Within those great assurances, however, our roles and assignments differ. These are eternal differences—with women being given many tremendous responsibilities of motherhood and sisterhood and men being given the tremendous responsibilities of fatherhood and the priesthood” (“The Role of Righteous Women,” Ensign,Nov. 1979, 102).

 I know that God loves each of his children equally. I know that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God. I know that men and woman have distinct divine roles, and that we will be held accountable before God for the choices we make to fulfill or not fulfill these roles. I know that as we center our lives on the Savior that we will come to understand to a greater extent the divinity within men and woman.

Diversity in Families

What makes your family different? Do you have a certain culture within your family? There is not a single family that is the exact same. Each has a distinct culture within the home. These distinctions make our families unique, and special to us. 

So what do I mean by culture? Culture is: "the beliefs, customs, arts, etc., of a particular society, group, place or time; a particular society that has its own beliefs, ways of life, art, etc; a way of thinking behaving, or working that exists in a place or organization." My family culture is very interesting; I learned this when I got to live with roommates. As an example I will share an experience: In my family we like things to get done as fast and effectively as possible. Sometimes we accomplish this by tossing items such as the car keys. We are all coordinated enough to catch, and so this became a normal part of life. Well in Argentina I was living with a couple people, and I tossed an item to one of them, I thought it was odd that she didn't catch it. I noticed after a few moments that this person did not appreciate me chucking this item at her. I was confused...wasn't that a normal thing for everyone? She explained, that to her and her family, chucking items at another person is rude, and not appropriate to do. I quickly learned that my family culture is different than other family cultures. 

When you come to understand another's culture your eyes are opened, and your ability to see situations from their perspective will be enhanced. This will help us as a society to become evermore tolerant and respecting of those around us.

One thing we did growing up was Family Prayer. We were not perfect but we would typically do this morning and night. I remember that we would be running late in the morning and the bus was going to come at any moment, and we would still have family prayer. Sometimes my Dad would say the prayer, and it was a little longer. In my mind I would think, "Dad we are going to miss the bus!" But it created a culture in our family. We tried to put the Lord first in our lives. When I talk to other people I know some have this way of life also, and then there are others who do not.

Another part of our family culture was work. We worked ever since we were little. In our family it became an enjoyable thing at times, and some of our most precious memories come from working together as a family. It taught us responsibility.  One thing that we did was raised baby cows. This was quite the experience. I remember getting up early in the mornings before school to feed the baby cows and change pipes. They were not the easiest tasks, but they had to be done. We had to make their pens with straw bales and a slab of wood, and then a wire fence. At one point we had around 70 baby calves. We had to bottle feed them until they reached a certain age/size, and then we taught them to eat grain. The most dreaded job was cleaning out their pens. We took shovels, scooped out the manure, and the molding straw, load it in the wheel barrow, and dump it. The smell was horrible. We worked together (my siblings and I) to accomplish the task.  At one point we had to work the cows (castrate them). These Angus cows were very stubborn, and they tended to bring out the worst in us. One cow was supper stubborn and would not go in the shoot. My brother got frustrated so he decided to jump on the cow (my brother played center in football so he was pretty big). It was the funniest thing, he jumps on the cow, and then he just landed in the manure. We all just started laughing. The time we worked together allowed us to really come close to one another. We learned important lessons, such as how to work hard, being reliable, obedience, patience, respect etc. I am so grateful that my parents entrusted us to do this work.

Talking to my parents recently I found that many of these things they had us do were not really financially beneficial to them. They provided work for us so that we could grow as individuals. I love this because it shows that we can decide the type of culture we want in our families. We do not need to wait for those opportunities to come to us, but sometimes we may need to create those opportunities ourselves. For us these things were a normal way of life. When I tell people about how I grew up, and what I did it is so foreign to them. Even now I forget sometimes that what we did is not what most people experience in their families. All families have such different cultures and are good in different ways. We can and should learn from each other. We can work to have a good family culture, and also be understanding of others. As we recognize that others grew up differently than us, it will enable us to be more understanding of why they do the things they do.

Application: Discuss one aspect of your family culture with someone.