The Impact of Divorce on Families

What are the effects of Divorce?

What Can I do to help my blended family live in harmony?

The Goal: As you read seek your own personal answers to these questions.

Divorce is a difficult subject to talk about because so many people are affected by it either directly or indirectly. It can bring to remembrance heartache, and tender feelings. There are many people who have been divorced due to reasons that are justifiable an example of this may be abuse etc.   Although more and more people are using divorce as a "quick fix". The problem with this is that this "quick fix" can turn into complex family situations that will last for generations.

President Dallin H. Oaks stated in his talk on divorce these words,
"I strongly urge those who advise you to face up to the reality that for most marriage problems, the remedy is not divorce but repentance. Often the cause is not incompatibility but selfishness the first step is not separation but reformation. Divorce is not an all-purpose solution, and it often creates long-term heartache. A broad-based international study of the levels of happiness before and after major life events found that on average personas are far more successful in recovering their level of happiness after the death of a spouse than after a divorce. Spouses who hope that divorce will resolve conflicts often find that it aggravates them, since the complexities that follow divorce-especially where there are children-generate new conflicts... Think first of children. Because divorce separates the interests of children from the interests of their parents, children are its first victims. Scholars of family life tell us that the most important cause of the current decline in the well-being of children is the current weakening of marriage, because family stability decrease parental investment in children."

6 Stages of Divorce:

These stages below show the different areas one has to "divorce" from the other person. This can be stressful and complex.

1. Emotional Divorce: Loss of trust, respect, and affection.
2. Legal Divorce: Court officially brings marriage to an end.
3. Economic Divorce: Involves the settlement of property.
4. Co-parental Divorce: If you have children- who will have custody, visitation rights, continuing parental responsibilities.
5. Psychic Divorce: Separation occurs so they can become individuals again.
6. Community Divorce: Each of the partners leaves one community of friends and relations and enters another. Many times a couple has the same friends, so they will have to choose their friends or make new friends to avoid being with their ex-spouse.

Random Facts:

-Having premarital sexual relations increases the likelihood of divorce.

-70% of people who got divorced, said they regret divorce and think they could have saved their marriage.

Mixed Families vs. Nuclear Families (Traditional Family):

After someone is divorced there is a large chance they will get remarried. And getting remarried can be a difficult transition especially for the children. As you read below remember this is not meant to lead one to think mixed families are bad, for in many cases they are wonderful. But this information is to help each of us to be understanding of those who are in mixed families, and how these changes could influence the children greatly.

Difficulties that may be encountered in a mixed family:
-The children came before the marital pair instead of the marital pair before the children, so this could lead to loyalty conflicts.
-Parental tasks will involve a lot more people- ex-spouse, grandparents community members etc.
-It is a fairly open system
-Conflict in parenting/disciplining strategies. Often the step-parent will try to discipline their step-children at the beginning of their marriage which can cause the children to resent the step-parent.
-Emotional scars, fear of failure in the future.
-Less security- what if... why... Doubts and uncertainties.
-Divided loyalty
-Child's role has to start over.
-Court is involved

It will take a minimum of 2 years to gain a sense of normality. The reconstitution of the family will take about that long because there are a lot more things one has to work through, such as holidays, birthdays throughout the year etc. Brother Williams stated, "A step parent should be a really good aunt or uncle at first. Heavy parenting needs to happen by the birth parent."
There are many things one has to think through before marrying someone after a divorce. One thing our teacher told us is that if you have divorced wait at least 6 months to start dating again.

Overall, I hope we can see that Divorce can make peoples lives more complex, and difficult. Sometimes there are serious justifiable reasons for divorce. Many of the divorces today can be prevented through hard work, and selfless sacrifice, and forgiveness. Mixed families can be a result of divorce which can lead to various conflicts in a family. These conflicts can be worked through and a mixed family can have a relatively stable family as they work together to attain this. I know that the Lord knows each of us individually, and will guide us to make good decisions. I do not know everything about divorce or mixed families because I have not been directly affected by neither, but the Lord knows all. I'll end with this scripture: "Counsel with the Lord in all thy doings, and he will direct thee for good..." -Alma 37:37

Application:

How can I show more compassion to those who are going through a divorce? 

How can I better support those who are beginning a mixed family?

Share with Someone the consequences that can potentially come from Divorce.