Intentional Parenting...

There are so many things we could talk about when it comes to parenting, but today I want you to focus on answering these questions...Ponder these as you read, and jot down any impressions or thoughts that come into your mind.

What should I do when my child chooses to disobey?
How Should I Respond?

Why Do We Choose To Parent???
We are sons and daughters of Heavenly Parents. Before this world was we lived with them. They loved us and we loved them. We desired to become like them. God presented a plan for us to obtain the happiness that He has. We obtain happiness as we pass through hardships, repent, have faith and experience joy (by living the gospel of Jesus Christ. We gain this experience on Earth. We came to earth and passed through the veil of forgetfulness. Now we are here and through our faith, obedience and the atonement of our Savior Jesus Christ we can return to his presence clean and pure before him; full of joy. I believe that each of us has an innate desire to become parents because the family is central to God's plan for us. I desire to become like my Heavenly Parents who are perfect and love unconditionally, but also who will correct me when necessary.

Now I cannot say that I know everything about parenting, I have never been a parent myself but I have two wonderful parents who raised me up. I as I said I also have Heavenly Parents who care about me dearly. Someday I hope to have the privilege to be a parent.

As a daughter I provided my parents the opportunity to become better parents. Many times through my disobedience they learned to have patience with me. They learned to forgive unconditionally. As a daughter I learned how I wanted to be parented. And I learned how to be a daughter. I remember a special moment in my teenage years when I came to understand my role in the family, and my parents role. I had just made a mistake, and my Father spoke with me, we forgave each other, and we embraced; I remember tears were shed as my Father said, "Shayla you are teaching me how to be a parent, and I am teaching you how to be a daughter." This is profound to me. I know that we are in Families to learn, to improve, and to become as our Savior evermore kind, and loving. This does not happen overnight but will take us our whole lives and even into the Eternities to become as our Savior. We are not perfect, but we can strive to be better each day. What a blessing it is to have the power to choose!

When children make mistakes or are disobedient there are certain things we should ask ourselves. "Who's problem is it ( who owns the problem) ?, Who is going to be effected?, and Who is complaining about it?" There are different courses of action depending on who's problem it is. Let me give an example:

A child does not pick up the living room when the mother asked. - the parent owns the problem because he/she is probably the one complaining about it, it effects the parent because it may add stress to their life. Now the child may have caused the problem,but this does not mean they "own" the problem. In this case the parent can follow these guidelines:

Parent:
1. Polite request- Give respect to teach respect. ex. Would you please clean up this room?
2. "I" statement:

Example:
(behavior) When____________
(feeling) I feel______________
because____________
(intention) I would like________________

When you do not pick up the toys, I feel stressed because I have other things to do in the house, I would like you to clean up the room right now.

3. Firm- tone, serious
4. Logical Consequence- a consequence that is connected to the problem.
Steps of giving logical consequences:
1. Involve the child ahead of time.
2. give a child choice (when-then or if-then)
3. Something you can live with
4. Logically connection (doing dishes and vacation is not really connected)
5. Give the choice once; follow through
6.Firm and friendly
7. Let try again

When the child owns the problem we should allow the Natural consequences to do the teaching. Except when the consequences are dangerous, too far into the future to be of any value, or when others are affected greatly. 

Natural Consequence Example:
When I was in high school my siblings and I were told that we needed to weed the garden. We were asked nicely. Well a few weeks later my parents told us firmly that we needed to go weed the garden. Noticing the firmness in their voices we quickly obeyed. We went out there and the garden was gone! It was a forest. The weeds were as tall as me now.  And we found some pretty big spiders while weeding, which was not very delightful. After a while we finished. This was a teaching moment, we learned that if we would have got the job done right away it would have been easier and gone faster. My parents allowed us to learn that procrastination will not bless us, but hurt us. I am grateful that my parents taught us by allowing us to suffer the natural consequences of our choices.

I know that as we intentionally parent there will be great blessings that follow. We are not parents to control children, I like this quote by my teacher, "You have already failed if your point is to make children do things." The Lords way is to build people, to help us become evermore like Him. I believe that as we show respect to our children, and treat them as we want to be treated they will also come to respect their parents. I respect my parents very much. I obeyed my parents, and often wondered why I did not want to do something when my father or mother would simply say, "I do not think you should do that." It was not that they were controlling me, nor pressuring me, but I knew that they loved me unconditionally, and I trusted them. When we as parents are motivated out of love when teaching our children, our children will notice. As we see things with an eternal perspective we will see more teaching opportunities for our children, and we will be more effective as we parent.

Remember that many times when a child is rebelling, controlling others, seeking attention, or looking for revenge , or avoiding people they are usually just a reflection of a different need not being met. Sin is often because of a deep unmet need of the sinner. Let us be led by the spirit to see the heart not just the behavior. Let us respond to the oftentimes hidden need not just the behavior.

Application: Seek to see the hidden needs of your children. Choose to  respond to their needs!