Intentional Parenting...

There are so many things we could talk about when it comes to parenting, but today I want you to focus on answering these questions...Ponder these as you read, and jot down any impressions or thoughts that come into your mind.

What should I do when my child chooses to disobey?
How Should I Respond?

Why Do We Choose To Parent???
We are sons and daughters of Heavenly Parents. Before this world was we lived with them. They loved us and we loved them. We desired to become like them. God presented a plan for us to obtain the happiness that He has. We obtain happiness as we pass through hardships, repent, have faith and experience joy (by living the gospel of Jesus Christ. We gain this experience on Earth. We came to earth and passed through the veil of forgetfulness. Now we are here and through our faith, obedience and the atonement of our Savior Jesus Christ we can return to his presence clean and pure before him; full of joy. I believe that each of us has an innate desire to become parents because the family is central to God's plan for us. I desire to become like my Heavenly Parents who are perfect and love unconditionally, but also who will correct me when necessary.

Now I cannot say that I know everything about parenting, I have never been a parent myself but I have two wonderful parents who raised me up. I as I said I also have Heavenly Parents who care about me dearly. Someday I hope to have the privilege to be a parent.

As a daughter I provided my parents the opportunity to become better parents. Many times through my disobedience they learned to have patience with me. They learned to forgive unconditionally. As a daughter I learned how I wanted to be parented. And I learned how to be a daughter. I remember a special moment in my teenage years when I came to understand my role in the family, and my parents role. I had just made a mistake, and my Father spoke with me, we forgave each other, and we embraced; I remember tears were shed as my Father said, "Shayla you are teaching me how to be a parent, and I am teaching you how to be a daughter." This is profound to me. I know that we are in Families to learn, to improve, and to become as our Savior evermore kind, and loving. This does not happen overnight but will take us our whole lives and even into the Eternities to become as our Savior. We are not perfect, but we can strive to be better each day. What a blessing it is to have the power to choose!

When children make mistakes or are disobedient there are certain things we should ask ourselves. "Who's problem is it ( who owns the problem) ?, Who is going to be effected?, and Who is complaining about it?" There are different courses of action depending on who's problem it is. Let me give an example:

A child does not pick up the living room when the mother asked. - the parent owns the problem because he/she is probably the one complaining about it, it effects the parent because it may add stress to their life. Now the child may have caused the problem,but this does not mean they "own" the problem. In this case the parent can follow these guidelines:

Parent:
1. Polite request- Give respect to teach respect. ex. Would you please clean up this room?
2. "I" statement:

Example:
(behavior) When____________
(feeling) I feel______________
because____________
(intention) I would like________________

When you do not pick up the toys, I feel stressed because I have other things to do in the house, I would like you to clean up the room right now.

3. Firm- tone, serious
4. Logical Consequence- a consequence that is connected to the problem.
Steps of giving logical consequences:
1. Involve the child ahead of time.
2. give a child choice (when-then or if-then)
3. Something you can live with
4. Logically connection (doing dishes and vacation is not really connected)
5. Give the choice once; follow through
6.Firm and friendly
7. Let try again

When the child owns the problem we should allow the Natural consequences to do the teaching. Except when the consequences are dangerous, too far into the future to be of any value, or when others are affected greatly. 

Natural Consequence Example:
When I was in high school my siblings and I were told that we needed to weed the garden. We were asked nicely. Well a few weeks later my parents told us firmly that we needed to go weed the garden. Noticing the firmness in their voices we quickly obeyed. We went out there and the garden was gone! It was a forest. The weeds were as tall as me now.  And we found some pretty big spiders while weeding, which was not very delightful. After a while we finished. This was a teaching moment, we learned that if we would have got the job done right away it would have been easier and gone faster. My parents allowed us to learn that procrastination will not bless us, but hurt us. I am grateful that my parents taught us by allowing us to suffer the natural consequences of our choices.

I know that as we intentionally parent there will be great blessings that follow. We are not parents to control children, I like this quote by my teacher, "You have already failed if your point is to make children do things." The Lords way is to build people, to help us become evermore like Him. I believe that as we show respect to our children, and treat them as we want to be treated they will also come to respect their parents. I respect my parents very much. I obeyed my parents, and often wondered why I did not want to do something when my father or mother would simply say, "I do not think you should do that." It was not that they were controlling me, nor pressuring me, but I knew that they loved me unconditionally, and I trusted them. When we as parents are motivated out of love when teaching our children, our children will notice. As we see things with an eternal perspective we will see more teaching opportunities for our children, and we will be more effective as we parent.

Remember that many times when a child is rebelling, controlling others, seeking attention, or looking for revenge , or avoiding people they are usually just a reflection of a different need not being met. Sin is often because of a deep unmet need of the sinner. Let us be led by the spirit to see the heart not just the behavior. Let us respond to the oftentimes hidden need not just the behavior.

Application: Seek to see the hidden needs of your children. Choose to  respond to their needs!

The Key to Bringing Your Family Together

Work!

"From the beginning, the Lord commanded Adam to till the earth and have dominion over the beasts of the field, to eat his bread by the sweat of his brow. I have always been interested in how often the scriptures have admonished us to cease to be idle and to be productive in all of our labors...Teaching children the joy of honest labor is one of the greatest of all gifts you can bestow upon them."  -Elder L. Tom Perry

I am so close to my family, I love and cherish each of them so much.  I am the fifth child of ten children. There are 6 girls and 4 boys.  We were raised by our biological parents my Mom and Dad.  I have heard people often comment that they want small families so they can be very close to each other, and have better relationships. I want to say from my own experience that you can have a large or small family and be closely knit together as one.  Those who work to have a family that is united in love can achieve this, it is possible with the help of the Lord. I love my family dearly. We have created bonds that are unbreakable. The hardship's we have faced are minuscule in comparison to the joy we have experienced as a family.  The joy did not come because life was easy, in fact it was through hard work that we obtained this unspeakable Joy. And that is precisely what I want to talk about today.

The word "Work" is sometimes looked down upon. In fact we buy many of our everyday appliances just so we can avoid doing more work. But isn't that why we came to earth? Ever since the beginnning the Lord told Adam and Eve to work; the Lord stated, "the earth will be cursed for thy sake." Interesting how it was for their sake. Learning to work hard together as a family is a form of Godliness, and brings great joy. To reach Celestial Glory requires hard work and dilegence. I am going to share a few experiences in my life where work has been a blessing to my family and I.

Farm Life:

"Work is so fun!"- my Mom stated as my siblings and I woke up at the break of dawn to face another day of physical labor. I grew up on a farm in Washington. We grew alfalfa, corn, wheat, grass fields, and other various crops.  We also raised Angus cows, chickens, horses, and my Dad own's a dairy. And we have cats (we have so many it looks like were raising them.) Every morning us kids changed pipes and wheel lines, and fed baby calves around 5:00am-6:00am each morning before school; the school bus usually came at 7:15am. There was much work to do, and we had the privilege of doing it. 

There were many experiences that brought my siblings and I very close. In fact almost all the fun, happy memories I have occurred while we were working together as a family. Here are a few...

Garden:

Early in the mornings my parents would get us up to weed the garden. Well sometimes we would put off weeding the garden, and soon the weeds would be as tall as we were. It basically became a forest. We would all go out there and start pulling weeds by hand or with hoes, and it felt like it would take forever but actually went pretty quick when we all worked together. As we worked side by side we would have deep conversations with our parents, we would laugh, joke, and purposely throw dirt clod's at each other. We learned to have fun while we were working.

Tractor Experience:

My Dad had Mathew (my brother) and I hook up the tractor to a weed chopper. We were told to cut down all the weeds around the entire field. So we got started! I drove in front of Mathew with the four-wheeler and I would motion with my hands (he could not hear my voice because he was inside the tractor) where the big rocks were so he would not hit any. I got pretty skilled at hand motioning. Well as we came down a vibrant green weedy slope I noticed a small stream bed so I motioned for him to not go to the right. He misinterrpreted my hand motion, and the tractor and my brother fell into the stream bed. He told me later he thought I was motioning to go to the right. I was nervous for my brother, and I was shaking a bit. My brother was fine, but the tractor looked a little sideways in fact it was almost completely on its side (it was a huge tractor). I was like, "Math should we call Dad?" And we thought for a second and decided we better not. We didn't want Dad to see the tractor in this destructive state. So we decided to try to get it out on our own. I remember being so nervous for my brother, I did not want him to fall out of the tractor and get squished. So before he got in my brother and I said a small prayer to our Heavenly Father asking us for protection, and guidance to know how to get it out of the stream bed without my brother dying in the process. Well a miracle occurred and it popped right out of the stream bed. To us it was an answer to prayer. Just as we got the tractor out of the hole my Dad drove up, and asked us what was going on. So we explained, and he helped us get it back to the house. Now this experience of working with my brother allowed us to have a bonding experience. We were working together to accomplish a task. We made a mistake, and chose to turn to the Lord. As we took a step of faith we saw our prayer answered. Work can really bring people together. When we work together in our families we come to love and care about one another, and we learn to communicate.

Wheel Line:

We had to roll wheel lines that were really long, one or two people could not do it alone, we needed around 7 of us or more if we all could. We would all get on a wheel and roll it at the same time. It required us to work together. Usually wheel lines have motors that move them automatically, we did not. As I spoke with my parents recently they told me they could have afforded a motor all along. I was surprised, and then they said that they wanted to provide an opportunity for us to work, and learn to do it together. Sometimes we need to purposely provide work for our children. I am forever grateful that they did not buy a motor, but instead allowed us to grow together in unity and love.

Folding Laundry:

With six girls in our family oftentimes our bedroom floor was non-existent with the amount of clothes we had thrown everywhere. My Mother would gather us together and we would begin to clean. This of course led us to make it fun, and we would have clothes wars, and would have a type of pillow fight...but with clothes. It became a time of laughter, and joy even though it was hard work.

Service:

My parents would take us with them when they would visit the elderly, or when they saw an opportunity to serve they gathered us up to go serve. Once our garbage man dropped a bunch of garbage on the road, and it was a huge mess. My Mother and Father saw this and told us to go get our shovels and get in the van. We shoveled off all this garbage off the road and my Dad took it away in the tractor. It brought Joy to our hearts.

Some Other Things that can bring families together:

-Service

-Working together

-Family Scripture Study

-Family prayer

-Family Council

-Wholesome Recreational activities

-Going to church together

I know that as we strive to provide opportunities for our families to work together, that the blessings will be poured down upon us. I know that the Lord wants us to work side by side in our families. His work and His glory is to bring about the immortality and Eternal life of man.

Application: Find something simple you can do with a family member or roommate that requires you to work together, or serve together. Reflect on how this affected your relationship with that person.

IT IS IMPOSSIBLE NOT TO COMMUNICATE!

How Do I Communicate With Others? How Can I Improve?

The Goal: As you read seek to find the answers to the questions above.

Communication!!!
I want to focus on why we communicate, and non-verbal communication. Whether we are still single, in the dating stage, newly weds, married with kids, or grandparents. No matter your age or stage there is always ways to improve your communication.

What is Communication?
Communication is the process by which information is exchanged between individuals through a common system of symbols, signs, or behavior; exchange of information.

Why we communicate:
-Physical Needs- "Communication is so important it affects physical health."
-Identity Needs- "We decide who we are based on how others react to us."
-Social Needs- Communication is the primary way we satisfy our social needs."
-Practical Goals-  Communication helps us accomplish our goals.

We are always communicating it is impossible not to communicate. As human beings we need communication to survive. Whether it is non-verbally, verbally, or through the tone of our voice. There are various ways we communicate, and there are different levels of trust associated.  Below are the percentages of which area of communication people trust the most...

There are three channels of communication:
1.Words-         14%
2.Non-verbal-  51%
3.Tone-             35%
                      =100%

Above it says that 51% of people say that  non-verbal communication is what they trust when it comes to understanding another individual.Why is it that people trust our non-verbal communication the most?  Lets give an example to demonstrate: You ask a friend "How has your day been?" and your friend responds, "good." as she is frowning, tears in her eyes  and slouching in her chair.

Would you believe her verbal communication or her non-verbal communication? As you can see it is pretty obvious that this girl is not doing okay and you will trust what her non-verbal communication is telling you far more than the verbal response....so why does this even matter?

Non-verbal Communication can be very powerful, used for better or for worse.
I love this statement, "Nonverbal cues have a number of functions in communication. First they complement our words. If you say, "I love you" and touch or embrace the other, you are reinforcing the meaning of your words. Sometimes people may not really believe what we say or at least may have doubts, unless we reinforce the words with some kind of nonverbal behavior
In my life when I am reassured non-verbally I feel at ease, and more readily believe perhaps the verbal communication.

Other Functions of Non-verbal Communication include:
-non-verbal cues may contradict our words- this is like the story I shared above when someone is saying one thing but their body language is contradicting what they are saying verbally.
-non-verbal cues repeat the message- you can give a message without words, so for example I already know my mother loves me, she does not have to say it all the time. But she will give me a hug repeating that message of love.
-non-verbal cues regulate communication- When we are in conversations with others we can show that we are interested or disinterested by our body language. This can help with the flow of the conversation.
-non-verbal cues may substitute for words- For example a friend may ask if I liked the party, and I choose to smile, she knows that my answer is yes without me having to say anything verbally.
-non-verbal cues may accent the verbal message- As you are saying something such as "you look nice today" you could touch the persons shoulder to add greater meaning to the complement; accenting the verbal message.
-non-verbal cues may trigger attributions- "your partner will pick up on non-verbal cues and attribute various motivations and feelings to you."
-non-verbal cues influence both the attitudes and behaviors of others- "People are more likely to comply with a request if you touch them. In marriage such nonverbal behaviors as smiling, touching, and making frequent eye contact all affirm the relationship and can enhacne the commitment and the affectionate behavior of the partner."

Peter F. Drucker stated, "The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn't said."

Application: Non-verbally communicate your love for someone you care about this week.

References: Marriage and Family the Request for Intimacy, Looking Out, Looking In

A Family Crisis

Have you faced a "family crisis" recently, or in the past? If so, what caused it? How  did you feel during that time?  How did you respond? Did you grow as a result? 

So what is exactly a "Crisis"? In my eyes it is a danger or an opportunity. A family can choose to become stronger as a result or weaker depending on their individual choices.

We are going to come to understand how to effectively cope with family struggle's and turn a "Family Crisis" into an opportunity for growth.

Examples of Family Stressors:

• An unexpected death in the family (whether immediate family or extended)
• Divorce
• The loss of a job
• Health decline-permanent or temporary
• A child who chooses a wayward path; one that goes against the decided family morals.
• Drug addictions such as Alcohol
• Sexual Abuse
• Violence
• Financial concerns
• Natural Disasters

Above are some stressor's family's may experience over the years. Some may seem more daunting than others. Each event effects every individual in the family in some way; no one is exempt. There  is much learning and growth that will take place as we are effectively coping with these hardships together.Thomas S. Monson stated, "Our most significant opportunities will be found in times of greatest challenge."

Effective Coping Patterns:

• Take Responsibility- "charting a new course as an alternative to playing the victim game. In some cases, taking responsibility may involve confrontation."
• Affirm Your Own and Your Family's Worth-  Believe in yourself, and the strengths that you and your family have. Focus on the potential, and great worth you have individually.
• Balance Self-Concern with Other-Concern- "Someone who stays in an abusive relationship because "my spouse needs me" may be too other-focused. Someone who leaves a spouse simply because "I want my space so I can grow" may be too self-focused." Find a balance.
• Learn the Art of Reframing- "A way of changing your perspective on a situation...you learn to redefine something that you had defined as troublesome as adaptive and useful."
• Find and Use Available Resources- "Every family has numerous internal and external resources to which it can turn in a time of crisis" For example, religious groups, family members, extended family, books, self-help groups, friends etc.

Ineffective Coping Patterns:

• Denial- When you ignore the problem. Or deny that it exists. Instead we must openly admit there is a problem.
• Avoidance- When you acknowledge that the problem exists, but avoid confronting the issue for a long period of time.
• Scapegoating- Choosing someone other than yourself to blame for the crisis at hand. This oftentimes is found in abusive situations.

As we try to eliminate the ineffective coping patterns, and apply effective coping patterns we will be better able to respond to the hardships that we are encountering in our families. We cannot change others, but we can begin by choosing ourselves the way we will respond to the stressor events we encounter in life. As we turn to the Lord he will guide us to know what things we may need to change, he will bless us for our efforts.

President Spencer W. Kimball said, "No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God...and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire and which will make us more like our Father and Mother in Heaven."

Application: Share with someone how to effectively cope during a "family crisis".

Protect Your Marriage

What does marriage require for it to be successful?

Today I want to talk specifically about fidelity, and the negative consequences of infidelity.

Infidelity within marriages is rampant in today's society (although not as pervasive as is shown on the media), and we need to face it head on. What can we do to avoid infidelity, and strengthen fidelity within our marriages?

What is Marital Fidelity?

Fidelity means to be completely faithful or loyal. Loyal in thoughts, words, and actions. When I am loyal to someone I will protect and defend them at all costs. I would not do anything that would have the potential to hurt them emotionally, physically, or in any other way or form. It means establishing a deep trust with one another. We cannot sit passively, we need to always be on guard. We must actively protect our marriages, and families from the fiery darts of the adversary. 

"The grass is always greener...on the side of the fence you water."

Do we understand what Infidelity is?

The Lord loves all of His children, and wants us to be happy. Most people also want to have a happy successful marriage, yet sometimes we fall into temptation. Usually these temptations are subtle, and little by little one is led down a dark path. Marital infidelity is not just when one has sexual relations with another individual outside of marriage, there are various ways to be unfaithful. We must avoid all types of infidelity whether large or small. All have the potential to harm your relationship, and perhaps destroy your marriage.

From the articles and books I have been reading I have identified 4 types of affairs:

1.Fantasy- "Having an emotional affair with someone who has no knowledge about what is taking place, or with someone who is anonymous and will likely never be met." Examples include: flirting online, social networking, fantasizing about someone other than your spouse. This can also include fantasizing about people in movies or romantic books etc.

2.Visual- Visual affairs such as pornography. This is probably the most prevalent type of affair. And can become very addicting. Pornography is not just confined to images it is any medium that has the intent to lead to sexual arousal. This includes pornographic literature, movies, videos, music, words, images etc. We cannot rationalize, we must avoid pornography at all costs.

3.Romantic- "Becoming emotionally involved with someone other than his/her spouse." Also known as a second life. The media displays that people want to escape the monotony of everyday life. They may have a temporary happiness that may seem thrilling at the time, but it will not last; they will be disappointed over time.

4.Sexual- "When one engages in sexual acts outside the bonds of marriage. Many times visual affairs will lead to sexual affairs."

"Satan will try to convince us that we can find happiness, joy and pleasure in infidelity. Just the opposite is true. Even though it may seem for a time that everything is wonderful, President Benson warned, "Quickly the relationship will sour. Guilt and shame set in. We become fearful that our sins will be discovered. We must sneak and hide, lie and cheat. Love begins to die. Bitterness, jealousy, anger, and even hate begin to grow."

Ways to avoid Infidelity:

Wise Walls (written by Scott Gardner):

-Resist the desire to rescue an unhappy soul who pours their heart out to you.

-Don't share the most painful things of your soul with an attractive alternative. This develops deep levels of intimacy.

-If a conversation makes light of marriage, respond with something positive about your own marriage.

-Discuss marital issues with your spouse. Work on the problems at home. If you do need to talk to someone else about your marriage, be sure they are a friend of the marriage.

-Don't have lunch or take work breaks with same person all the time.

-When you travel with a co-worker, meet in the public rooms, not in a room with a bed.

-If an old boyfriend or girlfriend is going to be at a class reunion, make sure you bring your spouse along.

-If you value your marriage, don't do lunch alone with an old flame.

-Don't try to be cute or "flirty" with anyone other than your spouse.

-Do not allow your heart to dwell on anyone.

I know that as we strive to live in accordance with God's commandments that he will guide us to know the changes we need to make, and help us to avoid temptation. He Loves all of his children, and wants us to have beautiful marriages. I hope that we all will work hard each day to strengthen our marriages, and find joy in the family we have been blessed with.

Application: Pray to know a change you can make individually to be more loyal/faithful to your spouse.